I mentioned is my last post I would elaborate on my story.
Disclaimer: First let me share if you are a survivor or any sort or are sensitive to any topic of abuse: Trigger alert..
Let's get to it!
I have to admit over this past week I wondered. How does one share something so "personal & private"? I had a few people in the Church share their disagreement of one "airing their dirty laundry" Let me simply share, it is the sin of man and evil that is called out. Next, I will share, if you believe that lives in the church are not touched by this very issue. You are incorrect. I believe it is time that we remove the scales from our eyes, roll up our sleeves and address the challenges thousands of people in and out of the church sweep under the rug!. It's happening!
Disclaimer: Writing has never, ever been a strength for "The Marcia" this is Marcie taking that step for others period.
Today, I awakened with a purpose! That purpose is, stop self-sabotaging the platform God has already prepared for me. In the past I would always find ways to excuse myself from the table.
So here I go! This weekend I attended a large conference with beautiful women (and thousands of unknowns) as I took my seat I heard three speakers share their testimony. Each woman had one thing in common, they were survivors of sexual abuse.
As sat there, I looked at the program again wondering to myself jeezy, "I was not aware this was a survivors or women's liberation revival" (and a tad irritated)
To level things out, I wondered what was my take-away as I looked at the large stage?
The conference had catchy phrases, banners of liberation for women finding their voice,
I paused and politely excused myself from my seat as I went outside to sit alone.
Ah, alone, that is my favorite place, just me, the wind kissing my face with a cold drink in my left hand. As sat there, I thought about my husband. I then prayed for all the women literally singing "I'm every woman" and yep, I rolled my eyes when they played cupid shuffle?
In a church? Wow, we sure have lowered our standards to entertain...
I admit, most of us have a dark past, some are darker then others. As a wounded little girl (age of four) I was robbed of her innocence and groomed for decades.
The abuse would last for decades. The last offence was at the hands of my step-father (I was in my forties) while he was in his 70's I entered an area, the familiar place I grew-up in San Francisco among the many homes my-step dad onwed and committed his" vulnerable asking myself "what can a 70+ old man do to me now?"
Let me just share, a lot! When he approached me, I became that four year old girl again as he reached for me, with his beautiful blue eyes I saw and the only person that loved, and protected from my mother and then a the same man that abused me for decades.
His words as he reached - "it's okay", it's okay, it's me Marcie. As he hypnotized with the voice of a father I loved and yearned. let my guard down and within moments, I came back. No! no,, no I voiced.
No to the hell no as I yelled stop touching me, No, no, no, no, no.
As moved away swiftly, he called my name back gently. "Marcie, come back."
I continued to move away confused and with tears blinding me as I made my way toward the door. Stop. Then paused quickly to pull myself together as I recalled that my husband was waiting for me outside, in the car ready to take me home. Shoot.
The cover-up (I was trained for this):
Thinking quickly forward in my mind, how will this play out?
Plan 1. Marcia opens door, hubby is outside, Marcia leaves crying, hubby asks why baby girl is crying, Marcia shares what daddy did, hubby gets out of car to harm daddy (hubby is very protective), daddy has heart-attack while hubby is choking daddy, daddy dies at the hands of the hubby, hubby goes to jail for killing daddy.
It's all my fault again. The end.
Plan B: Keep my mouth shut and pull it together (I'll share how in later posts).
Plan B it is! Say nothing!
What does this have to do with the conference I attended?
Absolutely nothing! I think? Outside of being there to recall a dark place in my past.
I thought it was about worship!
I did not attend this event to be taken back to this place!
What this event achieve?
It was take me back to a dark place and left me there and I was upset!
Thank God I have a praying husband. So I call on him for help when I was having "a moment".
Comment: If you live long enough, you have "a moment" too!
When live deals us a deck of "unexpected" pause and pray.
Remember your covering!
In my experience there no liberation a man or women give us.
To be direct. I am liberated in Christ alone.
I don't need the cupid shuffle played to ground me (yes, this conference when there).
I simply need the word of God and the prayers of 1) fervent women of God leading 2) men of God covering me. 3) I don't want my ears tickled. I don't have time for it.
While I did obtain a few nuggets, I did not leaver better then when I came.
Tragically, being sexually abused at any age is a laughable matter and how women found a way to lace this topic with comedic round-table discussion. I was confused.
Honoring the truth?
I have the healing scars of a woman that has take a few blows in life.
But, just as I took'em I and gave some back and have regrets.
Honoring one's truth can it be calling the truth for what it is?
No more lies or feeling ashamed.
Naming a sin for what it is?
Call that person on the carpet? I was good at this!
BUT, love covers the sins of many. Remember how you do it.
I am not here to tell you I had horrible parents (they were not saved, un-churched and living in a state of sin, sin, sin - but let's be honest, we all have our things to confess?
I read the scripture below and I became convinced to love and convicted by the words penned for us:
" For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Truth be told, I love my parents dearly (despite my life with them) to love is to forgive and to forgive a past such this - is only possible with the love of Christ. I'll bet a few of you are shaking your heads. No way?!
I sang this song once!
"Ain't no way For me to love you If you won't let me It ain't no way… More Ain't no way!
- Aretha Franklin
Saints, less we forget?
We don't need to forget to forgive.
We just need to let go, and let God be God and remember that we have been forgiven much.
There is no liberation apart from having a relationship with Christ.
more to come...